


and whatsoever ye do, do it heartily

by Jack_R



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:26:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28813404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jack_R/pseuds/Jack_R
Summary: "After we broke up, Annatar built a fortress of evil, subjugated several races, razed my city to the ground and murdered me, started a death cult, destroyed an entire civilisation in an unsuccessful attempt to invade the home of the gods and subsequently drowned."
Relationships: Celebrimbor | Telperinquar/Sauron | Mairon, Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Comments: 28
Kudos: 58





	and whatsoever ye do, do it heartily

CUT TO:

1\. Documentary/interview footage

of SAURON, The Enemy, Gorthaur, The Dark Lord, King of Men, Lord of the World, The Ring-maker, formerly known as Mairon and Annatar, in his study. He is wearing a red robe.

SAURON

The most important thing I do is to provide for my subjects. Indeed, I like to think of them as my family.

CUT TO:

2\. Documentary/interview footage

of THURINGWETHIL, She of The Hidden Shadow, perched on her roost. She is not upside down, which is remarkable.

THURINGWETHIL

He once lost to a cloak and ran away, which led to the fall of Tol-in-Gaurhoth and the theft of the first Silmaril, as well as me getting skinned alive.

THURINGWETHIL pauses, deliberating.

THURINGWETHIL

On the other hand, the healthcare coverage includes dental.

CUT TO:

3\. Documentary/interview footage

of MORGOTH, The Great Enemy, Bauglir, Black Hand, Lord of the Dark, Master of Lies and Great Death, formerly known as Melkor, adrift in the Everlasting Dark.

MORGOTH

 **Dental is for weaklings**.

The very absence of being trembles when He Who Arises in Might speaks and the CAMERA blinks out of the existence for a second.

MORGOTH

**Also, it was that or subscribing to The Valmar Journal of Experimental Smithing.**

CUT TO:

4\. Documentary/interview footage

of SAURON, still in his study, wearing a different robe, which just happens to be the same exact shade of red as the previous one.

SAURON

I ended up using Celebrimbor’s institutional log-in details well into the Third Age. I maintain that the only reason they sent the Istari to the Outer Lands was because they finally found out.

CUT TO:

5\. Documentary/interview footage

of AULË, The Great Smith, Maker and the Friend of the Noldor, in his workshop in the undying glory of the Blessed Lands. He shines in Righteousness.

AULË

We take copyright violations very seriously here in Aman.

TITLE SEQUENCE: **LORD OF THE RINGS**

CUT TO:

6\. Documentary/interview footage

of CELEBRIMBOR TELPERINQUAR, The Lord of Eregion, sitting in a cosy reading spot. He is holding a cup of tea, looking contemplatingly into the CAMERA.

CELEBRIMBOR

After we broke up, Annatar built a fortress of evil, subjugated several races, razed my city to the ground and murdered me, started a death cult, destroyed an entire civilisation in an unsuccessful attempt to invade the home of the gods and subsequently drowned.

CELEBRIMBOR blows on his tea and sips it, slowly.

CELEBRIMBOR

I like to think I took it significantly better than him.

CUT TO:

7\. Documentary/interview footage

of MAEDHROS the Tall, staring at something behind the CAMERA. Sitting by his side is FINGON the Valiant, reassuringly holding his left hand.

MAEDHROS

I first met Gorthaur shortly after my father was killed in an ambush. He personally oversaw the slaughter of my company during a parlay, delivered me into the hands of the Enemy and then hung me from a rock for about thirty years.

MAEDHROS frowns. These are memories he does not like to revisit.

MAEDHROS

The worst part, however, was that he kept trying to get me to join his pyramid scheme.

CUT TO:

8\. Documentary/interview footage

of SAURON, wearing an excessive amount of jewellery. It is exclusively red, in the same shade as his robe, and gold. There seems to be a theme going on.

SAURON

Angband Jewellery was a completely legitimate multi-level marketing venture. We helped small business owners grow.

CUT TO:

9\. Documentary/interview footage

of FINROD FELAGUND, King of Nargothrond, seated peacefully under a tree in Eldamar. The meadow is in full bloom.

FINROD

After beating me in a song contest, Sauron made me watch as most of my friends and companions were torn apart by werewolves. He also kept turning himself into a wolf. I don’t know why: it was not very scary. Once you have seen the Gloomweaver swallow the lights of Valinor, a rather large wolf is not going to impress you very much.

CUT TO:

10\. Documentary/interview footage

of THURINGWETHIL, now upside down.

THURINGWETHIL

Yeah, that wolf phase was super weird. I think it might have been a sex thing.

CUT TO:

11\. Documentary/interview footage

of MORGOTH. There is no light: yet Darkness bends around him, as if he was the yawning jaw of nothingness that was is and ever will be, waiting to swallow All. He was there at the Beginning and will herald in the End - yet for now, he waits.

MORGOTH

**Hear this: Nothing was beyond Us for a terrible, absolute Time of Glory - yea, Arda became the Dominion of Torment, drinking deep from the mishappen Shells of its Children that We left in our Wake. Oh, I shrouded Her with Lies and I shrouded Her with Vice, and She recoiled when We fed Her the Flesh of the Firstborn and Secondborn alike, coaxing Horrors out of her Womb - and so I named Him Pain and I named Him Suffering and Agony.**

Images of cities flicker in the Void: and they burn, and they fall, decadent, blood-bathed and splendid, and armies march, and the engines of torment grind bodies into the dust - and it is Terrible and it is True.

MORGOTH

**I did, however, draw the Line at Bestiality.**

CUT TO:

12\. Documentary footage

of a group of elves. Some are sat in chairs, arranged in a circle: others wander around the snacks and drinks section, chatting idly. The CAMERA pans first to FINROD, deep in conversation with ORODRETH, takes in MAEDHROS as he contemplates a bowl of peanuts, and then zooms at CELEBRIMBOR, occupying a chair in a vaguely irreverent manner. He waves cheerfully at the CAMERA.

CUT TO:

13\. Documentary/interview footage

of CELEBRIMBOR, in that same room, alone, arranging the refreshments, before he turns to the CAMERA.

CELEBRIMBOR

In his tenure as the resident Dark Lord of Arda, Annatar has managed to traumatise a rather impressive amount of the Firstborn. As I feel somewhat responsible for inadvertently helping to usher in the said reign of terror, I have started a support group.

CELEBRIMBOR looks around and shrugs.

CELEBRIMBOR

Honestly, I feel that most people come here for the snacks.

CUT TO:

14\. Documentary/interview footage

of SARUMAN the White, seated in a council chamber, hands crossed and his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

SARUMAN

Sauron has committed unspeakable evils: foul in wisdom, cruel in strength, he has wrought suffering upon Arda with his dreadful powers. Even as we speak now, the Halls of Mandos crowd with his unfortunate victims, begging for justice for the master of shadows and the lord of torment: and so we have come to deliver it.

SARUMAN pauses. His words ring with conviction and righteousness, and never once he blinks.

SARUMAN

On the other hand, I do think that he’s right about the untenability of subscription-based academic publishing.

CUT TO:

15\. Documentary/interview footage

of SAURON, in the library of Mordor. It is filled with Men, Orcs and Other Beings of Dubious Provenance. He is still wearing red. One wonders if he has clothes in literally any other colour.

SAURON

At present, the widest possible distribution of research is artificially restricted by dubious copyright laws, imposed by the Valar. Here, in Mordor, we challenge the status quo. At this very moment, we provide access to hundreds of thousands of research papers every day bypassing all paywalls and restrictions.

The CAMERA pans to the figures moving behind SAURON, climbing up ladders to bookshelves or sitting at tables with scrolls and ink, before coming back to SAURON.

SAURON

I strongly believe that scientific knowledge should be available to all, regardless of their race, lifespan or relationship to the Powers Beyond the Sea. My plans for the Middle-Earth consequently include a fully open-access research in order to remove any barriers that are currently impeding the widest possible distribution of knowledge.

He looks around with pride. Something shines in the corner of his eye: it would be inadvisable to imagine that it is a tear.

SAURON

I only wish Celebrimbor was around to see it.

CUT TO:

16\. Documentary/interview footage

of CELEBRIMBOR, holding a closed book. The title is not visible. He is seated, looking directly at the CAMERA.

CELEBRIMBOR

I have been a part of the Open Access movement for a very long time, yes. To be fair, I never did imagine that it would be dragged into existence as a by-product of a neo-colonial, proto-industrial perversion of imperialist libertarianism. Also, slavery! Understandably, this has resulted in quite a bit of bad press for us.

CUT TO:

17\. Documentary/interview footage

of IRMO, The Lord of Visions and Dreams, The Desirer and a Master of Spirits. His eyes Shine with Deep, Unrelenting Knowledge, Piercing and True. He knows you. He has always known you.

IRMO

_You would not steal a book._

CUT TO:

18\. Documentary/interview footage

of CELEBRIMBOR, still holding the same book. On second glance, it is possible to notice that a classification number on its spine has been scratched out. CELEMBRIMBOR smiles.

CELEBRIMBOR

Fortunately for us, any discussion of theft around these parts tends to provoke a rather spirited discussion.

CUT TO:

19\. Documentary/interview footage

of MAEDHROS. He is carefully polishing a sword, in a manner that is not _not_ threatening.

MAEDHROS

What does ‘stealing’ mean, really? Say you went to visit your relatives over in Tirion, and inadvertently brought back one of the robes they’ve let you borrow - is that stealing? What if the robe in question was actually one you’ve let uncle Arafinwë borrow two ages ago and he kept forgetting to return it? What if your ancestral enemy stole something from your father, you and your brothers made an irrevocable oath to retrieve it, then it was stolen from the said enemy by someone else and you murdered their son to whom it was supposedly bequeathed, but it would turn out that actually their granddaughter has it, so you hunted her down, she jumped from a cliff and turned into a bird and you kidnapped her children and raised them as your own? Is _that_ stealing?

CUT TO:

20\. Documentary/interview footage

of DIOR, The King of Doriath. His beauty is otherworldly. This is not a metaphor: when he smiles, there is a lot more teeth than one should be comfortable with.

DIOR

I am currently forbidden from entering Formenos, until, and I quote, ‘the Sun passes and the Moon falls.’

His teeth are so sharp, it really is quite disturbing.

DIOR

Fortunately, I am also very, _very_ patient.

CUT TO:

21\. Documentary/interview footage

of FINGON and MAEDHROS, sitting side by side. FINGON does not smile, which, for him, is rather exceptional.

FINGON

I would not be surprised if Dior personally brought about the Dagor Dagorath by releasing Morgoth himself from the Void. In fact, every night, I half expect him to sneak in here anyway and gut us in our sleep.

MAEDHROS

Is it _really_ stealing if the Gods themselves wrenched your father’s most treasured possession from the personification of absolute evil, you took it from them and, upon finding that the object could no longer withstand your touch after all you have done in its pursuit, you tossed yourself and it into a yawning fiery chasm?

FINGON

…We talked about this.

CUT TO:

22\. Documentary/interview footage

of MAEDHROS, seated in the ancestral halls of his house. By his side are those of his brothers that now walk free in Amamn. It does not seem wise to acknowledge the notable absences.

MAEDHROS

So far, we have not succeeded in convincing the Valar to return our father to us. However, we remain optimistic.

CUT TO:

23\. Documentary/interview footage

of NÁMO, The Doomsman of the Valar, The Ruler of the Dead, The Just and The Judge. There is no hurry in his realm. He Who Remembers renders the theatre of existence still by his very presence.

NÁMO

We Have Listened To The Case Brought To Us By The Sons of Curufinwë Fëanáro And Found It Flawed, Insufficiently Persuasive, As Well As Rather Repetitive In Its Content. We Have Therefore Once Again Judged That He Will Remain In Our Halls. If The Claimants Find New Evidence That They Wish To Bring Before Our Judgement, They May Do So.

NÁMO falls silent. His voice echoes in the cavernous emptiness of his Halls: in it, one can glimpse but a glance of the divine Vision embodied in all Matter and Will.

NÁMO

However, We Wish They Would Not.

CUT TO:

24\. Documentary/interview footage

of FËANOR, The Maker of the Silmarils, awaiting the end of days in the Halls of Mandos: then, and only then, he shall take the Three Jewels, and break them, and a great light shall come forth, and the world shall grow young again.

FËANOR

I would absolutely steal a book. I have stolen many books, and would steal again, if given the chance.

CUT TO:

25\. Documentary/interview footage

of SAURON, in his study, dressed in a different robe, also red. His commitment to monochrome power dressing really is admirable.

SAURON

My proudest achievement? Well, besides the _obvious_ , I would have to say that it is the community I have build here in Mordor. There is a real feeling of togetherness, you know, which indeed is quite exceptional for a community of Men, Orcs, Trolls, Undead Monstrosities, and various other outliers. It really does make one wonder how great Arda could have been, if only _some of us_ had been able to set aside all those petty feuds and murdered relatives, and instead we all worked together towards a common goal.

He pauses.

SAURON

By ‘ _obvious_ ’, I meant the Ring. The One Ring is my greatest achievement. In case there was any confusion. There should not have been. But yes. It is the Ring.

Having established this, he smiles.

SAURON

On Tuesdays, we do a pub quiz.

CUT TO:

26\. Documentary/interview footage

of GRISHNÁKH, Captain of the 5th Company, 2nd Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment. She looks distinctly uncomfortable.

GRISHNÁKH

The pub quiz is absolutely awful. The Lord keeps asking us questions about someone called ‘Telperinquar’. “What colour were Telperinquar’s eyes in the moonlight of the First Day of Spring of the year 1459 of the Second Age?” How am I supposed to know? Orcs are literally colourblind.

CUT TO:

27\. Documentary/interview footage

of SAURON, sitting at his desk. He appears to be doing paperwork and does not look up at the CAMERA.

SAURON

We had to terminate our association with Captain Grisknákh. Unfortunately, her values did not align with those that we seek to promote.

He smiles, blandly. Somewhere in the distance, there is an audible scream.

SAURON

On a more positive note, we now have a free spot for Tuesday’s quiz.

CUT TO:

28\. Documentary/interview footage

of CELEBRIMBOR, sitting outside on life-green grass of the Undying Lands. The sun shines high up in the sky: it is summer.

CELEBRIMBOR

If I could change anything at all about how things ended with Annatar, I would tell him exactly where the Rings were.

CELEBRIMBOR pauses for dramatic effect. It is eerily reminiscent of someone else.

CELEBRIMBOR

I would do it just before he managed to kill me, and write it down in a cipher. We used to do this all the time, you know - sending each other messages in code, inventing new languages, that kind of thing. Annatar cheated, of course - he would mostly base his on Valarin, which is physically impossible to comprehend unless you are at least a minor deity. To be fair, given the fact that he ended up stringing my dead body atop his banner in the end, it is a rather minor slight to linger on, but anyway. Actually, there would be no code: I would just write down a bunch of nonsense. But he would spend _ages_ trying to figure it out! Imagine that, Sauron the Cruel, thinking that he had my answer at last in his fingertips - if only he was clever enough to figure it out! It would drive him absolutely insane.

CELEBRIMBOR smiles, beatifically.

CELEBRIMBOR

Incidentally, I have had quite a bit of time to think about this, since I was dead. Because he killed me. Why, I am not bitter _at all_.

CUT TO:

30\. Documentary/interview footage

of MITHIEN, the wife of CURUFIN and mother of CELEBRIMBOR. Her hands are carefully folded in her lap.

MITHIEN

We worry about Celebrimbor quite a bit.

CUT TO:

THE END CREDITS.

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank the writers of the US Office, Alexandra Elbakyan and the Tolkien estate, in this exact order. 
> 
> All feedback is welcome!


End file.
